captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
