while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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