she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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