1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
