Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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