she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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