I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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