it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sext me about skeletons
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
