Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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