wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
