My nipple is on Facebook.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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