he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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