High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You need a sexual gate keeper
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's shark week go big or go home
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
