and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
