I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
