people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
