dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Come on in and take your pants off
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