would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
