I hope mine doesn't look like that
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
