I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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