Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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