Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Come share oat with me in your robe
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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