the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
