I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
