the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
