So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
