Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
