if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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