If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
