I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
