I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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