I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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