There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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