Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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