The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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