I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
