Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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