I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
