remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
