At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
