There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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