after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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