I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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