i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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