Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
