omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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