if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
