I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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