i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
