guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
